There are times in your life that you will go through tragic losses: friends, romantic partners, parents, siblings, children, etc. The likelihood that you will be on the receiving end of this sometime in your life is very high. The pain will be severe and it will feel unbearable. Truly, it shouldn’t feel any less than devastating. These losses will be tragic and devastating because you invested a great deal of time and emotion to build that relationship. Pieces of you fade away and you won’t notice them disappear, the voids that are opened will be filled with pleasure, caring, and love of the particular person. This investment in someone else is why it hurts so much when they are gone, there is now a void where that person had previously taken up space and where before that your interests were what filled the space. The experience of loss can be quite tragic and it can feel incredibly lonely and desperate but the number one rule is that it ALWAYS gets better. There will be a day that you will realize you no longer miss them or are hurt by the loss. One day the pain switch will be turned off. I’ve made it to this point recently or rather have had that “ah-ha” moment of self reflection and noticed that I am past the pain stage.
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
So here is the story that has gotten me to think about this lately and it can be applied to any sort of loss, looking back on my life this has played out for so many different types of loss. A few days ago an ex-girlfriend had texted me to say that she was happy that I had found my path, no other reason, not ulterior motive, just to say she was happy for me. It was sweet and kind of her to take the time to say that, she certainly didn’t have to. The weird thing, or rather illuminating factor, was that I felt nothing, no sinking stomach feeling, no anxiety, no loneliness, no loss, etc there was just no emotional reaction. It was just an interaction between two people, that’s when I knew, I knew I was over her and that I have successfully moved on from the pain that always is a breakup. I had been over her for many months but there is always a time where the realization strikes you and it’s official in your psyche, the official closer on a chapter of your life.
I don’t care who you are breakups are never easy. I’ve broke hearts and I have had my heart broken many times, no matter what side of it you are on it’s never easy. The difference was this time, I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. In the past I would throw myself into a tailspin of drugs, alcohol, and women but this time none of those were options. I couldn’t soften the blow by making the feelings numb by external stimuli. I had to face the emotions and the feelings and push forward. Going through the process of getting sober didn’t really give me many tools to cope with heartbreak, I was in unchartered territory. There was a void and I wasn’t sure how to fill it.
Breaking up is the hardest thing we do. It’s the most important thing we do, in a way. You’ve got to embrace rejection, or you’ll maintain a very limited life. It’ll be very nice and neat - and very, very small. ~ Laurie Helgoe
Luckily, and yes I mean luckily, a vast majority of my life had become shit. I was incredibly unfulfilled, hated my job, hated my prospects, and hated my outlook on life. With all of these combining factors it made the loss worse than it should’ve been. However, this was the perfect combination of factors for two reasons: testing my resolve and making a change.
When it comes to life we are never guaranteed another day on this planet, our only guarantee is today and even that can become quickly fleeting. We never really know what life will throw at us at any given moment and this was a big one for me, a culmination of a biblical shit storm bearing down on me with no way to retreat, I had to face the storm. These are the moments where our resolve and dedication are tested, mine certainly was. Something funny happened though, the thought of using to lessen the pain didn’t even occur to me. I had come so far that it wasn’t even an option but I needed to figure something out. I was for all intents and purposes lost. I needed a path and all I was doing was wandering but my resolve was strong, I was determined to find a solution and figure this shit out in a smart way that would strengthen me as a person. The resolve was strong.
The other big part of getting through loss is change, managing to get the fuck out of your own way and do something that will make you stronger. Change came in the form of Chase Jarvis, world renowned photographer, a bit of an odd place to get the kick in the ass that was necessary. It happened subtly and before I knew it I was already moving down the path of change and growth. Instead of a massive jolt and mad dash to fill the void, a seed was planted and it gently grew to fill the void. I learned a long time ago that the good things in life are not the result of instant gratification, the good things take time and effort. Chase’s “Chase Jarvis Live” show was the seed that would eventually fill the void. Without that show I never would’ve saw the world the way that I did and I don’t think that I would ever come to the profound realizations that I had, these realizations have changed my life forever. Because of the show I was sent down a rabbit hole of discovery where I would be introduced to great people and inspirations like Chris Guillebeau, Ryan Holiday, Julien Smith, Ramit Sethi, Seth Godin, Srini Rao, and the list goes on and on. Some of the people I would discover in the next few months weren’t even on his show but as I dug deeper into the back story of the people that were; I discovered many, many more people that I would find fascinating and inspiring. It jumped started my change, my discovery of self, and a reignition to change the world (even if it is only in a small way). This was the seed that grew into something that is unstoppable and encompassing across all avenues of my life. My creativity blossomed, my inspiration soared, my ambitions solidified, and I started to change the things that I was unhappy with.
Sometimes the biggest changes in life are the smallest initial impacts. Some of the most painful experiences can blossom into the greatest gift you could’ve received. Adversity and struggle can do two things: tear us away from who we are, further expanding the void and destroying us OR it can help us grow, see the positives, fill that void with seeds of growth, and grow something beautiful. We will have numerous pivotal points in our lives, they will be the forks in the road that will ultimately lead us to become who we are. There is always a choice in life, we can choose to allow the winds of fate to take us down a road where who we are deteriorates into something that we can’t recognize OR we can allow fate to carry us down the golden highway, we can choose to make a positive change into something that will only deepen our understanding of who we are, where we will grow into ourselves and be proud of the strides we have made. But the choice will eventually be ours to make.
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. ~ Walter Anderson
Not everyone will be able to see these changes and realizations clearly, from my own experiences I can tell you that often times it’s as clear as mud. With practice, self evaluation and a little foreshadowing we can assess whether or not our path will take us down a road of horror and despair or down the road of success and true happiness. We are ultimately the masters of our destiny, we can choose to make bad decisions and live a shitty life or we can choose to grab life by the balls and make it the best damn life we can possibly imagine. I chose to grip life by the balls and not let go.