Happiness is a thing of beauty, sometimes hard to obtain and hold on to but something the majority of people want. It is ultimately my everyday goal in my personal repertoire. At the end of the day I want to know that the things I did made me happy, big or small. I think happiness is essential to having a healthy life, without it we make poor decisions that are detrimental to ourselves. I’m a pretty happy guy for the most part, I get bursts of unhappiness or even lulls of depression but for the most part I’m pretty god damn happy. Everyone has the ability to be happy no matter what their situation. And I don’t say that lightly, I really do believe that based off of my own personal experiences.
As a child, teenager, and young adult I struggled with depression, anxiety, sadness, negativity, and anger. The deeper I traveled down these paths the more difficult it became to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Into my teenage years and young adult life this was more prevalent and reinforced by my quickly escalating drug addictions. I masked my pain with drugs and because of that, the pain grew worse. I, to most outward appearances, was a pretty happy guy but on the inside I regularly battled with my inner turmoil and demons. It had quickly become more and more difficult to see any positives in the world, all I lived was pain and agony. No matter how positive of an opportunity I was given I would shit all over it. Moving to Chicago to go to Art School was one of the best things that happened to me, while sustaining my finances for that particular school was a massive difficulty and one that was nearly impossible, I basically fucked myself and any opportunity. It was meant to be a new start for me, a new life away from the pain and anguish that was my drug fueled life back home. It turned out because of my addictions that I struggled with school and life, because of my negativity and struggle with happiness I was never willing to go out and get a proper job no matter that position to attempt to sustain my education. All extra money went to keeping me high and temporarily happy. I had to drop out 1 year later and that was the turning point from pain and anguish to despair and hopelessness. For the next few years I would go further and further down the dark rabbit hole until there was no light available and all I had left was a massive drug habit.
It wasn’t until April 11th, 2010 that I would face the most horrifying and the most important day of my life. This was the day that I had overdose, not my 1st one but the one that changed my world. I for a second time miscalculated my dose, or maybe I subconsciously didn’t want to suffer anymore, but the decision was never actualized that I wanted to die and that I should. I knew in the moment that I had taken too much and I just had to try to hold on to life and ride this out as far as I could. I didn’t last long, fortunately I was living with my dad at the time and he found me in the nick of time. Once again it would be my father who saved me from doom and death. This time though, unlike my first overdose, there was real damage done and I could feel it. I had been on the verge of a diabetic coma after my blood sugar shot through the roof and I was in the midst of massive kidney failure. My body was literally giving out from the massive amount of abuse I had been throwing at it. The human body can handle an immense amount of stress before it gives out but it will eventually give out. After a hellish night of pain, agony, and discomfort I had awoken on the other side and the first thing I thought was “I’m not going to make it out of this life alive if I keep this up.” It was my rock bottom, in that moment my second thought was “I need help, I can’t do this alone, obviously.” I sought out help, 2 weeks later I was in an intensive 28 day inpatient program, 3 month half-way house, and 8 months of outpatient treatment. I was finally on the right track.
I tell you this story and this journey to show you that I know what I’m talking about when I talk about happiness and sorrow. I’ve lived the darkest most horrifying days that no person should ever experience. I’ve also lived in the happiest of times and still live a very happy life. But it wasn’t the drugs that were primarily keeping me down, they were a major contributing factor, it was the pain that I was feeling on the inside. The shit I kept to myself and told no one. The great thing about rehab is they make you talk about your shit and get the weights off of your chest. Sitting down and seeing that people weren’t just struggling with drugs and alcohol but they were struggling with their emotions and wished to just be happy again was eye opening to me. I worked my ass off and laid everything out on the table that I had been keeping buried deep down inside of me, I spoke of shit that I had never told anyone ever in my entire life and to this day still haven’t talked about since. I shined a light on the darkness and gave it no quarters to hide. This is where we get our happiness, by first facing our darkness. The best way of facing down our darkness is to talk about it, best to a professional but anyone who will listen will do. When we let in the light and exorcise the demons we become lighter and more free, happy.
In the beginning of my recovery the happiest moments that I experienced were the tear filled aftershocks of telling my darkest secrets. Those moments where your tears of fear change rapidly into tears of joy and relief, the moment in which your secret is no longer yours to keep. Those were the most uplifting and happiest moments. For a good month every time I spoke in group I illuminated another part of the darkness until there wasn’t any left, then I could live and be happy. Life becomes clearer when we shine the light on the darkness and expose it for what it is, it no longer has the power it once held over us. From those early moments of clarity I made better decisions, lived a better life, thought more positively, and struggle with life less. I was happy and without taking a substance to change my brain chemistry.
Drugs, sex, alcohol, junk food, or whatever one does to bring instant gratification doesn’t actually make us happy, they just temporarily change our brain chemistry to make us “feel” like we are happy when all it is is dulling the pain. True happiness comes in long term focus, making conscious decisions to improve your life. To face the darkness with courage and determination. There is no bigger challenges in this Universe than facing your own darkness. When you can build the courage to do that, the possibilities in this world become limitless. I will say that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, this is work and work that needs to be done regularly. The darkness always wants to find a space inside us, always. We need to be ever present in this fact and always work to illuminate it and keep it in check. Once it gets a foothold it makes it much more difficult to remove it from ourselves. But it can be removed and it’s natural replacement is happiness. The best thing about happiness and the thing that makes it stand out from any other feeling or emotion in the Universe is that there is no diminishing returns. Happiness keeps us going and gives us a life that is wonderful and worth living. And no matter who you are, you are worth it and you deserve a wonderful life.